The Paintball Panzer is a tank designed for use in paintball matches. It has a 24-inch gun, and can shoot 15 balls a second. They cost a staggering $18,000 apiece. Now I’m not here to steal their business or anything, but for only $4,500 I’ll sell you a Paintball Plymouth. And if you’re thinking a Paintball Plymouth is just my neighbor’s stolen Neon with the windows knocked out, you’re right.

A video of the cute little bugger after the splatter.

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Well, what do we have here? It’s Avril Lavigne and her husband (yeah, crazy, I know) Derek Whibly getting frisky during a picnic in the parc. From Avril Lavigne’s breasts to her ass, nothing seemed off limits as the couple enjoyed some very public displays of affection. And why not? After all, if you have to spend everyday married to Avil Lavigne, you might as well take full advantage of the limited benefits to make up for having to listen to her talk like an idiot all the time.

More pictures of Avril getting felt up after the jump.

Update: Turns out these pictures are actually a couple years old. Not that it makes them any less sexy.

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Rob Lowe’s former nanny Jessica Gibson (above with high-powered attorney Gloria Allred) has definitely secured herself some good PR representation. Her family has been all over the media the past two days singing her praises and accusing the Lowe’s of overworking Jessica. Apparently Jessica’s half-sister Jamie helped Jessica land the job with the Lowe’s, according to their father who spoke to People this morning:

“I’m sure [Jamie] thinks if only she could go back and change things she would. But, she can’t – there’s no point regretting the past,” says Jim Gibson. “No one in the family wants her to think that way. What’s done is done.

“She was happy to get out of there. She couldn’t take it anymore. Nothing really bad happened like it did with Jessie, but Jamie was overworked and couldn’t stand it,” he says.

I still have my doubts about this whole thing. Especially when Jessica sits there smiling like an idiot on MSNBC and looks like she’s auditioning for American Idol. But there could be some truth to this, who knows? In the meantime though, I’m hearing word that Jessica’s past is about to catch up with her as she’s a bit of a party girl and has a taste for older dudes. And by hearing word I mean I read it on TMZ this morning. Woodward and Bernstein, I just made you look like bitches. WHA-POW!

These are shots of the new Bebe ad campaign featuring the always spicy hot Eva Longoria. Whoever made the call to make Eva the face of the company deserves a raise and a half. Seriously, I’d buy whatever the hell she’s on. It could be penis-shrinking pills and I’d down those puppies by the barrel. Then I’d make my friends give me a killer nickname. You know, something badass like Stump Masterson or Dongless Drago.

Actor Jason Beghe (CSI, Cane) was a high-ranking member in the Church of Scientology. He’s since left the church and decided to fire his proton torpedoes at the followers of L. Ron Hubbard. Jason has launched a scathing teaser interview (video after the jump) that promises a full-length interview exposing the inner-workings of Scientology. Here’s a rundown from Page Six:

“It’s very, very dangerous for your spiritual, psychological, mental, emotional health and evolution. I think it stunts your evolution. If Scientology is real, then something’s [bleeped] up . . . It ain’t delivering what it’s promised. It sure has not. The further up the bridge, the worse you get . . . I don’t have an agenda. I’m just trying to help. I have the luxury of having gotten into Scientology and after having been in it, been out. And that’s a perspective that people who are still in and not out do not have.”

But don’t think Tom Cruise is going to take this lying down. No, sir. He’ll do whatever it takes to defend L. Ron’s good name. Even if it means dressing up like a woman and getting hit repeatedly in the face with a roast beef sandwich, Tom’ll do it. Now where are his lucky stilettos? KATIE!

Apparently this is my morning to kick around stars of the 80s. David Hasselhoff thinks he’s got the magic key to any woman’s pants: Autographed pictures of himself. Damn, Hoff, try to leave some ladies behind for the rest of us. NY Daily News reports:

“Last week, a group of three came into the bar, and they were laughing up a storm,” he says. They had just come from a taping of ‘America’s Got Talent,’ where Hasselhoff is a judge.
“The female of the group [a busty, cute brunette] was approached by the assistant of David Hasselhoff after the taping, and he gave her an autographed photo of him. On the back of the photo was the assistant’s phone number and a suggestion that she get in touch with ‘them.’ Also listed was the name of the hotel [the London] where they were staying.” The source provided cell-phone shots of both sides of the autographed picture as proof.

Brace yourself for a shock, but the Hoff’s tactics actually failed. WTDF? Obviously, this woman is a man-hating lesbian. I mean, there’s just no other explanation. No straight chick could resist a romantic gesture of this magnitude. And, trust me, I’m an expert on broads.

Ed Shadle and Keith Zanghi are two nutjobs that want to break the 800 mph land speed record in the US. To achieve such a breakneck speed they’ve built the North American Eagle — a jet car powered by a 1957 Lockheed F-104 Starfighter’s 42,500 horsepower engine. The damn thing eats 160 gallons of fuel a minute and costs $16,000 in gas every run. Now I can think of better ways to spend my money, but whatever, I have no record-breaking dreams.

Now the couple is having trouble finding sponsors because no one is interested in two old codgers that built a rocket car, they want a handsome, charismatic daredevil. So now the team is looking for one. You must be between the ages of 20-40, and photogenic. Death wish preferred, but not required. If you want to give it a go send a 400-word email to landspeedracing@gmail.com explaining why you’re the man for the job, and attach a photo. Now here’s a great idea — how about getting a woman to drive it? That’ll certainly garner some publicity. Think about what Danica Patrick did for racing. I can honestly say I had never masturbated to an IndyCar event before she started. Now I’ll even do it to a Nascar Truck Series race. What was my point here? Oh right, a woman. I love women.

Just to give you an idea of how touch with reality these two guys are, Shadle told the Times Online, “It’s a lot of fun to drive, but if my age is stopping us getting sponsors, we have to remove that barrier. We’ll put some hotshot in the driving seat who looks like Robert Redford and see how that works.” Wow, Shadle, wow. The last time I checked (which was 30 seconds ago), Robert Redford was 71 and had a grandfatherly look about him. Not sure that’s the look sponsors were going for. Unless, of course, you were referring to Redford in 1969’s Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. In which case I loved his mustache in that movie. Wish I could grow one like that, I’d sell rides.